Finally Managed "Karen" to Standard

Holy Moly.

It's funny how far I've come. It amazes me. I am proud.

Just a little more than a year ago, I so vividly recall a WOD with wallballs. I don't know what weight ball I had; I can only assume it was a 16 pounder. I do recall there was at least one set of 25 repetitions. I recall believing that doing wallballs was the single most difficult thing I had ever done. I watched all of the others in the class finish and go outside to do whatever else the WOD called for. I sat inside and struggled--wanting to cry and give up.

But something deep inside of me kept going.

More importantly, someone pushed me and believed I was capable of doing it. He kept insisting I could do things I never ever thought possible. And somewhere along the way, I started believing him.

Since then,I've achieved goals I set and then some. I continue to raise the bar for myself, and miraculously, I continue to reach even those seemingly star-high goals.

But I don't do it alone. I cannot.

It takes a village to raise a child, and it takes excellent coaches to raise an athlete. I think it also takes excellent competition, camaraderie and spirit which I are lucky to have found at TCFA.

What great joy it is to be alive!

Dreamin' Big

I want to go to the Games in 2010.

I am not the strongest. I have a long way to go.

But if I don't believe I can do it, I'm already done.

I am going to do this.

I am FIERCE, baby!

Bring on the OHS, GHD's, Double Unders, Muscle Ups and Handstand Push Ups! Bring on Fran, the bitch. Bring on WEIGHT.

I am ready to take this CrossFit thing to the next level!!!

"Feelin' Groovy"

God it's amazing what happens in life when you DECIDE to make a change, admit you have a problem, then DO something about it.

Funny how free I feel now that I finally allowed myself to "bare it all, baby!"

Recently, I started a Paleo Challenge that The Jer, Voltron and a few others challenged folks to. I quit dairy. I had already quit sugar and gluten, so that part was easy. I quit drinking (my own decision--not part of the challenge.)

It is truly amazing where life will take you if you let it.

Dairy, especially grain fed dairy, elicits an insulin response much like grains do, which is why it's not part of the Paleo diet. What's really interesting here, is that I had already given up dairy...EXCEPT for the cream I put in my coffee. Admittedly, I drink about 1/8 c. half n half per cup, and I drink 2-3 cups per day but when I gave this up, I have to admit, I noticed a pronounced difference.

I used to get sleepy right after I drank my coffee. I mean dopey sleepy. I got a noticeable insulin response, but I wasn't ready to do anything about it.

Coffee also, to some degree, elicits an insulin response. I am very very sensitive to insulin. I know I was heading towards diabetes when I gave up sugar and alcohol the first time, which is one of the reasons I quit. Robb Wolf mentioned that the AMA keeps raising the "rules" for what constitutes diabetes specifically so they don't have to admit that we are in the midst of an epidemic.

I'm thin; I'm supposed to be immune from all that!

Bullshit.

Anyway, giving up cream is putting me one step closer to "all day long nirvana." I eat, I feel good. I am feeling less and less exhausted after meals, unlike how I used to feel.

This is excellent.

August 31 is my new sobriety date.

Thanks to everyone for your support.

My Deal

It's been a long time since I've written on the blog. Truth be told, now that I'm in a position of "authority" (coaching a bootcamp and interning at TCFA), I've been a bit reticent to "let it all hang out" like I used to.

I've been censoring myself. "Should I say that?" "Does that sound unprofessional?" "Is that a bad thing to let others see?", etc.

FUCK IT!

I have discovered something about myself. Actually, I've always known this, but I'll say it loud and clear here: I NEED TO BE HELD ACCOUNTABLE TO OTHERS.

I LIKE for people to see my wins, my losses, my pain, my frustration, my anger, my angst. I NEED to at least feel that someone is paying attention, so that I can't get away with murder. I need to spill my guts. I need to tell on myself. I need to be allowed to be imperfect, and I don't care if anyone has a problem with that.

So there. I feel better getting that out.

Now onto the real reasons I need to write:

I AM RECOMMITTING TO SOBRIETY.

Once again, I don't care if you think drinking is awesome or you want to drink or you like to drink or you don't think I (or anyone else) needs to not drink. I don't.

"What's true for you, is what's true for you. It is what you have observed yourself."

YOU may be able to handle, beer, gluten, flour and dog poo for all I care. I CANNOT.

There are certain things that I allow myself from time to time--alcohol and sugar being two of them.

BUT...especially with alcohol it then becomes too much of a battle, and I have better things I'd rather think about.

Here's the deal. It's not that I have to drink, that I crave a drink (okay maybe a little) or anything like that.

It's that because I've spent so much of my life SOBER, I know how much better I can be without it, and the comparison of "before" and "after" pisses me off.

When I start allowing myself to drink on the weekends, my performance suffers during the week. My mood suffers. My drive to succeed suffers.

Sometimes it's only a little bit, but it's there. I KNOW THIS.

And I can't stand it any longer.

I can't stand watching myself become more interested in "relaxing with a beer" than running. I can't stand when I'd rather have a glass of wine than train.

I AM FIERCELY COMPETITIVE, AND I MAKE NO APOLOGIES FOR THIS.

And I can't stand to think I am losing my edge--even just a little bit.

SO I AM BACK ON THE WAGON AGAIN...BY CHOICE!!!!!

Because, dammit, I want to go to the games next year. I want to be competitive. I want to be better than I am. And for me, each time I say no to alcohol and sugar I get a little bit mentally tougher. Each time I don't give into those urges, I gain confidence and I PHYSICALLY feel better.

Truth be told, NOT DRINKING MAKES ME EDGY...and I LOVE taking that edginess and putting it into training. It's the same reason I enjoy a bit of self-denial in my food choices. I am in control. The food and alcohol are not.

Lots of athletes don't drink. Many coaches prohibit it during the training season.

This is something I WANT for myself.

There I said it.

I feel much better now.

I AM COMMITTING TO STAYING SOBER THROUGH MY BIRTHDAY, NOVEMBER 14TH, FOR STARTERS.