My Deal

It's been a long time since I've written on the blog. Truth be told, now that I'm in a position of "authority" (coaching a bootcamp and interning at TCFA), I've been a bit reticent to "let it all hang out" like I used to.

I've been censoring myself. "Should I say that?" "Does that sound unprofessional?" "Is that a bad thing to let others see?", etc.

FUCK IT!

I have discovered something about myself. Actually, I've always known this, but I'll say it loud and clear here: I NEED TO BE HELD ACCOUNTABLE TO OTHERS.

I LIKE for people to see my wins, my losses, my pain, my frustration, my anger, my angst. I NEED to at least feel that someone is paying attention, so that I can't get away with murder. I need to spill my guts. I need to tell on myself. I need to be allowed to be imperfect, and I don't care if anyone has a problem with that.

So there. I feel better getting that out.

Now onto the real reasons I need to write:

I AM RECOMMITTING TO SOBRIETY.

Once again, I don't care if you think drinking is awesome or you want to drink or you like to drink or you don't think I (or anyone else) needs to not drink. I don't.

"What's true for you, is what's true for you. It is what you have observed yourself."

YOU may be able to handle, beer, gluten, flour and dog poo for all I care. I CANNOT.

There are certain things that I allow myself from time to time--alcohol and sugar being two of them.

BUT...especially with alcohol it then becomes too much of a battle, and I have better things I'd rather think about.

Here's the deal. It's not that I have to drink, that I crave a drink (okay maybe a little) or anything like that.

It's that because I've spent so much of my life SOBER, I know how much better I can be without it, and the comparison of "before" and "after" pisses me off.

When I start allowing myself to drink on the weekends, my performance suffers during the week. My mood suffers. My drive to succeed suffers.

Sometimes it's only a little bit, but it's there. I KNOW THIS.

And I can't stand it any longer.

I can't stand watching myself become more interested in "relaxing with a beer" than running. I can't stand when I'd rather have a glass of wine than train.

I AM FIERCELY COMPETITIVE, AND I MAKE NO APOLOGIES FOR THIS.

And I can't stand to think I am losing my edge--even just a little bit.

SO I AM BACK ON THE WAGON AGAIN...BY CHOICE!!!!!

Because, dammit, I want to go to the games next year. I want to be competitive. I want to be better than I am. And for me, each time I say no to alcohol and sugar I get a little bit mentally tougher. Each time I don't give into those urges, I gain confidence and I PHYSICALLY feel better.

Truth be told, NOT DRINKING MAKES ME EDGY...and I LOVE taking that edginess and putting it into training. It's the same reason I enjoy a bit of self-denial in my food choices. I am in control. The food and alcohol are not.

Lots of athletes don't drink. Many coaches prohibit it during the training season.

This is something I WANT for myself.

There I said it.

I feel much better now.

I AM COMMITTING TO STAYING SOBER THROUGH MY BIRTHDAY, NOVEMBER 14TH, FOR STARTERS.