Friday, September 4, 2009
It's been a long time since I've written on the blog. Truth be told, now that I'm in a position of "authority" (coaching a bootcamp and interning at TCFA), I've been a bit reticent to "let it all hang out" like I used to.
I've been censoring myself. "Should I say that?" "Does that sound unprofessional?" "Is that a bad thing to let others see?", etc.
I have discovered something about myself. Actually, I've always known this, but I'll say it loud and clear here: I NEED TO BE HELD ACCOUNTABLE TO OTHERS.
I LIKE for people to see my wins, my losses, my pain, my frustration, my anger, my angst. I NEED to at least feel that someone is paying attention, so that I can't get away with murder. I need to spill my guts. I need to tell on myself. I need to be allowed to be imperfect, and I don't care if anyone has a problem with that.
So there. I feel better getting that out.
Now onto the real reasons I need to write:
I AM RECOMMITTING TO SOBRIETY.
Once again, I don't care if you think drinking is awesome or you want to drink or you like to drink or you don't think I (or anyone else) needs to not drink. I don't.
"What's true for you, is what's true for you. It is what you have observed yourself."
YOU may be able to handle, beer, gluten, flour and dog poo for all I care. I CANNOT.
There are certain things that I allow myself from time to time--alcohol and sugar being two of them.
BUT...especially with alcohol it then becomes too much of a battle, and I have better things I'd rather think about.
Here's the deal. It's not that I have to drink, that I crave a drink (okay maybe a little) or anything like that.
It's that because I've spent so much of my life SOBER, I know how much better I can be without it, and the comparison of "before" and "after" pisses me off.
When I start allowing myself to drink on the weekends, my performance suffers during the week. My mood suffers. My drive to succeed suffers.
Sometimes it's only a little bit, but it's there. I KNOW THIS.
And I can't stand it any longer.
I can't stand watching myself become more interested in "relaxing with a beer" than running. I can't stand when I'd rather have a glass of wine than train.
I AM FIERCELY COMPETITIVE, AND I MAKE NO APOLOGIES FOR THIS.
And I can't stand to think I am losing my edge--even just a little bit.
SO I AM BACK ON THE WAGON AGAIN...BY CHOICE!!!!!
Because, dammit, I want to go to the games next year. I want to be competitive. I want to be better than I am. And for me, each time I say no to alcohol and sugar I get a little bit mentally tougher. Each time I don't give into those urges, I gain confidence and I PHYSICALLY feel better.
Truth be told, NOT DRINKING MAKES ME EDGY...and I LOVE taking that edginess and putting it into training. It's the same reason I enjoy a bit of self-denial in my food choices. I am in control. The food and alcohol are not.
Lots of athletes don't drink. Many coaches prohibit it during the training season.
This is something I WANT for myself.
There I said it.
I feel much better now.
I AM COMMITTING TO STAYING SOBER THROUGH MY BIRTHDAY, NOVEMBER 14TH, FOR STARTERS.
Posted by Shannon Franklin at 4:52 PM