Friday, September 4, 2009

My Deal




It's been a long time since I've written on the blog. Truth be told, now that I'm in a position of "authority" (coaching a bootcamp and interning at TCFA), I've been a bit reticent to "let it all hang out" like I used to.

I've been censoring myself. "Should I say that?" "Does that sound unprofessional?" "Is that a bad thing to let others see?", etc.

FUCK IT!


I have discovered something about myself. Actually, I've always known this, but I'll say it loud and clear here: I NEED TO BE HELD ACCOUNTABLE TO OTHERS.

I LIKE for people to see my wins, my losses, my pain, my frustration, my anger, my angst. I NEED to at least feel that someone is paying attention, so that I can't get away with murder. I need to spill my guts. I need to tell on myself. I need to be allowed to be imperfect, and I don't care if anyone has a problem with that.

So there. I feel better getting that out.

Now onto the real reasons I need to write:

I AM RECOMMITTING TO SOBRIETY.


Once again, I don't care if you think drinking is awesome or you want to drink or you like to drink or you don't think I (or anyone else) needs to not drink. I don't.

"What's true for you, is what's true for you. It is what you have observed yourself."

YOU may be able to handle, beer, gluten, flour and dog poo for all I care. I CANNOT.

There are certain things that I allow myself from time to time--alcohol and sugar being two of them.

BUT...especially with alcohol it then becomes too much of a battle, and I have better things I'd rather think about.

Here's the deal. It's not that I have to drink, that I crave a drink (okay maybe a little) or anything like that.

It's that because I've spent so much of my life SOBER, I know how much better I can be without it, and the comparison of "before" and "after" pisses me off.

When I start allowing myself to drink on the weekends, my performance suffers during the week. My mood suffers. My drive to succeed suffers.

Sometimes it's only a little bit, but it's there. I KNOW THIS.

And I can't stand it any longer.

I can't stand watching myself become more interested in "relaxing with a beer" than running. I can't stand when I'd rather have a glass of wine than train.

I AM FIERCELY COMPETITIVE, AND I MAKE NO APOLOGIES FOR THIS.

And I can't stand to think I am losing my edge--even just a little bit.

SO I AM BACK ON THE WAGON AGAIN...BY CHOICE!!!!!

Because, dammit, I want to go to the games next year. I want to be competitive. I want to be better than I am. And for me, each time I say no to alcohol and sugar I get a little bit mentally tougher. Each time I don't give into those urges, I gain confidence and I PHYSICALLY feel better.

Truth be told, NOT DRINKING MAKES ME EDGY...and I LOVE taking that edginess and putting it into training. It's the same reason I enjoy a bit of self-denial in my food choices. I am in control. The food and alcohol are not.

Lots of athletes don't drink. Many coaches prohibit it during the training season.

This is something I WANT for myself.

There I said it.

I feel much better now.

I AM COMMITTING TO STAYING SOBER THROUGH MY BIRTHDAY, NOVEMBER 14TH, FOR STARTERS.

3 comments:

TEAM CrossFit said...

You wanna earn a coveted spot at the Games...stay sober till the day you address that bar at the 2010 Regionals...

Stay the course, you make us all proud...moreover you make me proud with the amount of heart you show daily...

E-

2DPeakandBeyond said...

Way-2-Go, Shannon !! ........ I'm EXTREMELY PROUD of You !! ....... Half-the-Battle is ADMITTING that You Have a 'Problem' and Knowing You MUST Do What is Necessary 2 Overcome It !!

Don't 'Settle' 4 November 14th, though
...... THAT Would Be Like Someone Coming 2 UR BOOTCAMP for 6-Weeks ..
Losing 20 lbs., Improving Their Mile-Time by Over 1-Minute .......
And Then Considering Themself "FIT" and Never Exercising or Continue Eating Healthy, Once the 6-Weeks is Over ?? .......THAT, My Friend, is NOT Going-2-Get-It-Done !!........ DON'T MAKE A WEAK "6-WEEK-CHANGE' .......MAKE A L-I-F-E CHANGE !! .........THINK 'BIGGER'..
..DON'T 'SETTLE' .......U R BETTER THAN THAT !!! ;-)

ReriVeritas said...

Thanks, Guys! Whew! I am grateful for Eric for challenging me to stay sober for longer. I needed that! And I am grateful to Matt for challenging me to admit that what I really want is to stay sober "forever", which is the real truth.

Truth be told, I don't want to drink anymore. Truth be told, he's right, it's like getting the goodies from bootcamp or quitting sugar, then going backward.

Truth be told, I feel SOOOOO much better now that I've quit and that I've admitted I wanted to.

THANKS FOR ALL YOUR SUPPORT!!!!! YOU GUYS ROCK!